thanksgiving for fri(3/2)

thanksgiving:
- able to spend time with ash in the evening
- mom for driving me down to nus
- for not falling asleep during the meeting with the professor
- an enjoyable lunch break
- service tomorrow!

i feel like its hard to keep a friend,
and i wonder how true is the saying that
'to gain a friend, one must first be one'?
how is a friend a friend,
when s/he is torn between friends?
how is a friend a friend,
when s/he puts her needs above your own?
how is a friend a friend,
when s/he doesn't understand a thing about you?

is not friendship based on mutual trust,
on mutual respect, on a love for one another that despite that stupid and silly things each other may do, forgiveness is always the next step to take?

you are now my friend.
not my close friend anymore,
because i feel that i cannot trust you anymore
because you do not trust me.

i fear that i may be too opinionated at times.
there's so many things that i want to tell to people,
but i fear how they would react to it.
will they be hurt, and the friendship torn apart by words that are too harsh to be heard?
or will they instead deny, and justify?
what would i do?

granted,
i know myself well,
but i have my blind spots too.
i was approached by xh & joyce about my distance from the cg,
granted, i knew about it,
and its on the mend.
but what about things out of my own personal control?
do i keep my silence,
and not say things that i feel another should know,
or do i say it out,
and possibly ruin the last link between a close friend and myself?

god,
i am unwise in your eyes,
yet i yearn to be wise.
i don't do good all the time,
nor do i mean it all the time when i say my grace
and at times it becomes a habit more than a prayer.
i am weak in my human flesh,
and what i say does not all come to pass,
though i wish it to be so.
so god,
what do i do with the self i have been given?
the existence that i live?
do i do what my mind tells me to do,
or what my heart cautions me against?

i may so foolishly say that i'm self-aware,
but perhaps
i'm more confused than i had thought.