refresh my heart.

GAP, day 28.

ok, today i'm not going to be talking about GAP.
its something i read in the purpose driven life anyway, which i've stopped reading again. :|

i think that i've been a little dry of late.
i think that i've been a little more doubtful than usual.
i think my fervour has fallen into pits that only God knows.
i think that a refreshment in me is way overdue.
i think that i need to know that God is still there again.

i need a change of heart.
i need a change of mind.
but how can they change when the conviction is fading?
where has my zeal gone? my excitement?
i'm physically there, but mentally, i'm falling apart.
i know the things to say, what to do, but do i practice what i preach? do i?

i still enjoy doing the things i do, but what do i do them for?
to fill up the voids in my week that would surface otherwise?
or am i doing them to satisfy myself, and not to expand God's kingdom anymore?

i don't want to, i can't give up now because i've come so far.
but sometimes...i just wonder why.

i can still talk about God, speak his truths, but where is the heart behind it all?

its not the books that i've read that caused me to be this way...
its myself.
its the things that i do that have made me dull.

oh God, today, though selfish as it may seem...
i jus want to pray for myself.