from yesteryear.

Let God be true, and every man a liar.

So who is the righteous one?
and indeed, why are we condemned as sinners,
if our sin shows the holiness of God?
they argue, shouldn't god be glad that our sin shows the goodness in him?

but if one thinks about it...
the situation can be likened to someone who is pure of heart.
although the person may seem even 'purer' when put in contrast with someone who has a deceitful heart, even if the deceitful person is taken away, there's no denying the fact that the person who has the pure heart is still pure.
no comparison is needed,
no objectification has to be made.

in the same, isn't the holiness of god the same?
even we were to be all perfect and fluffy,
god will still be holy.
it doens't matter about us.

i think i get the drift of this.
and i think i'm starting to really understand when they say the book of romans isn't the easiest book to study.
it's full of theories of the revolutionary genre,
full of seemingly contradictory lines,
and doubtful statements.
i really pray that i'll be forced to think through all these myself god,
and in so, grow in my wisdom and knowledge of you. :)

i've been lacking the motivation to study of the late.
haven't been doing what i need to do.
i've been literally sleeping my days away.
once i get home, all i do is read my books or go to sleep or use the com.
i know its not good, that i should use whatever time i have to revise,
but i just can't bring myself to stare at the horrendous amount of information i just have no interest in whatsoever.
i know its only a little while more to go
before everything is finally over,
but i can't bring myself to start that path to which i should go.

so god, i pray for an infusion of self-discipline in my life god,
where i'll understand that when i study hard,
i'll do well,
and thus glorify you.
i didn't do too well for my midyears,
even though its alright in comparison,
but what is a win if its compared to someone else?
i know my own standard,
i know what i should be achieving,
but due to extreme laziness and a poor study plan...
i didn't do as well i should have.

so god,
won't you help me?
i really want to do well so that i can go wherever you aks me to,
instead of finding myself in the loop i took during the o's,
where my marks were so inbetweent that i was neither here nor there,
and which caused me so much guilt, so much confusion and so much bitterness.

no doubt, sometimes i still wonder what if i had been...
but its redundant to do that now, isn't it?
god, i pray that i'm in your beneficial plan,
not the permissible one,
for i know that the one sterred by my own will
will amount to nothing much.
i know the loneliness that path brings god,
because everyone else is on the other path to freedom.

self-discipline,
knowledge,
praise.
give me the desire of my mind lord,
for they reflect the desire of my heart.

-12.36m, 160705