its past & gone.

i don't understand it.
we went through so much during camp,
made so many promises,
shared so much laughter and joy...
so where did it all go?

just because i don't cry and let people know about it,
doesn't mean that i don't cry.
i am not emotionless,
i am just lousy at expressing myself,
and hence don't make the cut.
i choose my decisions
and solve problems by logic,
because its the most reasonable way to do so.
but if you don't agree,
why dont you just SAY SO?

and i'm hurt.
if i'm your spiritual buddy,
why are you afraid of telling me what i ought to know?
it hurts to know that you can't share with me
because you don't like my always-objective take on things,
which i would change if you wanted a softer kind of comfort.
i'm hurt,
because i could have been more loving,
but i'm not.
a spiritual buddy is not a mere title
to honour one with,
it is a covenant between two people to mutually help one another in desperate times of need.
if i cannot do that for either of you,
i am no spiritual buddy of yours,
i am merely a friend,
don't bestow that title on me
because i don't deserve it.

i feel lousy now,
a lousy friend,
a lousy person
because i throw tantrums and take my anger out on the undeserving.
i feel wretched, unworthy,
horrible, sad, hurt, and irritated with myself.
i feel like running away from the world,
like starting life anew,
because i seem to be doing nothing right.

god.
god.
god.
save me from myself.

i'm so angry, so bitter, so annoyed at my stupid supervisor, so irritated that my shepherd is not picking up, so sad that joyce&jinqi give me my title only in name, so angry because its my fault, angry because they didn't tell me, hurt because they didn't tell me. frustrated that the adults don't know about the transfer, glad that shuyi finally picked up.

and ben,
i would appreciate it if you don't make it a habit to read this blog because its more for me to remain accountable to my leaders in church.
and i don't want you assuming stupid things as you did before.
and sometimes,
i don't like people seeing this more angst-ridden, weaker side of me,
so please let me remain the horribly mean person i can be to you
because its the side of me you're meant to see,
while this is not.
not because you're not my friend,
but because when i feel it apt to share such things with you,
i will.
i know you'll understand.
or rather, i hope you will.
when you understand, comment that you do.
thanks. :)