once again.

god, in my midst of trying to find out where i should go for my TERTIARY education,
i've clean forgotten about what i'm going to do inbetween.
i do hope it isn't too late to come before you now and just ask where you want me to go.

where will i grow the best?
where will i serve the most?
where do you want me to go?

god,
i'm so angry now because i feel that the reasons given to me aren't valid,
yet there's nothing i can do.
god, i need signs, i need comfirmations
that going to tertiary is where i'm meant to be going.
i don't feel excited about it at all,
in fact, i'm dreading it.
i think i always never like the plans my leaders have laid out for me,
is it being rebellious god?
will i be judged when i go to heaven,
or is all just a ruse to see if i really am determined to follow your plan for me?
it works both ways god,
so which way is this one working in?
i feel that its quite ironic to say that i need my cg to cope with my transition,
but i feel that i can still lean on them if i need to,
even when i'm not in the cg anymore.
or is the fellowship really as shallow as a name and a service?
and i did alright going over to jc didn't i?
didn't i?
what do i do now?
the cg is falling apart,
as are my sheep.
i feel that i've not been given the chance to be understood,
and i feel so very angry with my leaders.
does the anger burn due to self-righteousness,
or an anger birth of something else?

i feel like i can't say what i feel like saying because it'll hurt others.
but what do i do when its true?
in times like these,
wisdom must really fill me to the maximum
because god knows how much i need it.

how right how right.
we're doing a study tomorrow on prophets who didn't understand god's plan initially.
please god,
speak to me.
strike me, move me to understand your plan for me.

and i must repent,
for crying for myself is worthless.
only tears shed for the plight of others is precious.