here i am.

so here i am to worship,
here i am to bow down,
here i am to say that you're my God...

i can't stand it when people abuse their authority.
take my DM for example.
argh.
i must learn how forgive and forget.
even though the reason for catching me was stupid and lame,
and even though i feel terribly wronged...
i shall forgive. forgive. forgive.

God, do i try to hide from you?
i suppose i do,
not in the obvious ways,
like murdering someone and telling you i didn't know i did it,
but in little ways,
like lying to people,
like covering up my sinful tracks,
like pretending.

i wonder why i find it so hard to confess sometimes.
is it pride in me, that makes it so?
i have always been naturally headstrong.
but i know you can bring me to my knees,
and make me understand just how weak i really am.
how human i am.

sometimes its hard to repent,
because i don't feel like not sinning again.
some sins are fun, happy, bright;
or why would i keep sinning?
keep struggling with the same sin?
sin wouldn't be sin if it wasn't seductively attractive.
no one would sin if it didn't seem so comfortable to,
so easy and nice to.

but i digress.

help me with my understanding of grace,
of how its a 2 way thing.
i cannot simply receive and you simply give,
i must live in a life of grace to fully understand and utilise grace,
and not abuse it and waste my life away.
let me be someone full of grace,
of knowledge of you
let me be someone who can bow down before you,
and not wait for a time when my burden crushes me down,
making me bow down to everything but you.

so hard to pray,
yet such a simple thing to do.
its scary to unveil my heart to god,
to say out my sin outloud,
even when i know god already knows it.

____pfff.
god. i've been trying to talk to so many people.
i really pray for the courage to.
for the wisdom to know what to say.
i know if i pray, you're right there next to me.
holding my hand, always.