Let God be true, and every man a liar.

for some reason, this sentence appeals to me.
it seems so mathematical in its very essence,
so presuming in its assumption,
so sure, so defiant, so...true.

i lie to myself a lot.
i lie to myself that i can hide my past away,
and it'll never rear its ugly head to bother me again,
when it can be dispelled when i have truly gathered what it is to forgive.

i have this issue with forgiveness that irks me to no end.
i still cannot grasp the fact that we are able to forgive,
when most of the time,
we are the ones at fault,
we are the sinners,
the one's who should be condemned,
the wrong doer,
the goat rightfully slaughtered.
yet, i can forgive?
incredulous,
the very sound of it.

so what have i done with this gift of forgiveness?
i can only forgive because i have been forgiven,
yet i selfishly hold it to myself.
i have been forgiven,
but what you have done is unforgivable.
who am i to say that?
yet i do.
where's the rule book on forgiving?
its been thrown into the fire and long gone,
there's nothing too big or too small to forgive.
nothing that is too insignificant to be overlooked,
because a little goes a long way;
and nothing too immense that it gets bigger than god.

i want to learn the joy of forgiving,
the burden that will be lifted when i finally do,
that dove, released,
singing a glorious song,
because a caged bird will never sing anything remotely happy.
yet how beautiful a mournful tune is,
that i'm enchanted by it.
but i've been drawn in by my midst of unforgiveness for far too long,
that i've developed the chills,
and my heart is hard.
i must get out of this,
to where the sun shines again.
i must i must,
for indeed,
the grass is greener on that other side.
my perpetually withering grass of brown,
i bid thee adieu,
once i have captured that gift of forgiving.

why has this year been such a flacuating one for me?
the year where i've been challenged the most,
taunted by the devil,
played with him like a child lured by a candy,
enticed into my own deceitfulness.

i want out, i'm saying,
i'm shouting,
i'm screaming.
i want out.

i want to stop having these dry spells where i forget about who i am, where i am, what i should do, and where routine keeps me going.
i want out of this system where i do what i know i ought to do,
and not what i think i should be doing.
i want out of this place where i keep trying to catch my butterflies
only to have them die in my hand when i do.
i want out of this hole,
which i keep falling into again and again.
put up the caution, look out sign stupid.
i want out of this in the dumps mode
where i cry myself to bed like an emotional fool.
i want out
i want out
i want out.

i have people who love me,
care for me,
remember the little things that irk me or quirk me,
gently pull me when i feel i can't go on.

so get out of it already buster.
i have had enough of this.
i want out.

now, if only it was as easy as saying it out.
but who cares.
everything starts with a decision decision decision.
and damn right if i'm going to continuing being a mindless person who knows she deserves much more than all this.

lets check back again in a month's time.
for the love of god,
i'll make it back to that weather beaten path.